In Vietnam, relationships are rarely explained in simple terms of luck or coincidence. Instead, people turn to a pair of intertwined concepts - duyên and nợ, to make sense of why certain people enter their lives, why some stay, and why others eventually drift away.
Duyên vs Nợ: The Two Sides of Fate
“Duyên” is a deeply rooted belief that shapes how people understand fate, relationships, and life events. It refers to fate, serendipity, and the invisible string that connects everything together, from the people we meet to the events that unfold in our lives. In other words, it carries the idea of a spiritual connection between people, suggesting that relationships — romantic, familial, or friendships — are guided by fate.
“Nợ” means karmic debt, an unresolved tie that binds people across lifetimes. Vietnamese believe that we meet certain individuals again in this life because we still have debts to repay from past lives.
A similar idea appears in Korean culture through “in-yeon” (인연), which describes providence or fate — the bonds linking two people over the course of their lives. The movie Past Lives uses this philosophy to define the connection between Nora and Hae Sung. They’re not quite friends, not lovers, not exes. After Nora immigrates to the U.S. and marries, the two become in-yeon — and there is comfort and clarity in having a name for what they are to each other.
An indispensable part of Buddha’s teaching
The idea comes from Buddhist karma, where lives stretch across multiple cycles of birth and rebirth. In Buddhism, nothing exists independently, everything arises because the right conditions come together (duyên khởi). When two people meet and feel an inexplicable pull toward each other, Vietnamese culture interprets this as duyên formed from past actions or shared karmic traces.
“Nợ”, meanwhile, is rooted directly in nghiệp (karma). According to this belief, people who once owed each other love, kindness, gratitude, or even suffering may cross paths again in this life to settle these debts. This is why Vietnamese often say “Có duyên mà không có nợ, thì dù có gặp cũng chẳng ở bên nhau.” means “If there is “duyên”, but no “nợ”, even if two people meet, they will not stay together”.
Love and Destiny: Meet by fate, stay by debt
Romantic relationship
Romantic love is where duyên and nợ are most frequently invoked. When a couple meets under unusual or meaningful circumstances, people call it “duyên trời định” - a destined encounter. Yet Vietnamese culture rarely assumes that a destined meeting guarantees a happy ending. To remain together requires more than affection; it demands emotional labor, sacrifice, and sometimes pain. That is the domain of nợ.
When relationships end, people say “hết duyên” or “trả xong nợ” - the fate has run out, or the debt has been repaid. Rather than asking who is right or wrong, Vietnamese culture often frames breakups as the universe balancing its books.
Family
Family embodies the most enduring form of nợ. Parents often say “con cái là nợ” - children arrive with karmic debts that must be repaid through years of care, worry, and sacrifice. This does not mean family is seen as a burden; instead it reflects a belief that the emotional complexities of parenthood and childhood are shaped by long-standing spiritual ties.
Siblings, too, are bound by these two concepts. Conflicts, rivalries, and lifelong loyalty are not random - they are part of a karmic thread stretching across lifetimes.
Friendship
Unlike family or romance, friendships represent “light karma” - connections that feel natural and effortless. Friendships that form instantly, or friendships that return after years of silence, are often described as duyên lành - good fate. When friendships quietly fade, it is not necessarily seen as betrayal or abandonment, but as a sign that the duyên has ended. These interpretations soften the pain of separation and honor the time shared.
Duyên can be explained further than just love
In a wider sense, duyên is how Vietnamese people make sense of the events they stumble into in life. Duyên captures everything too subtle to measure: timing, intuition, and the sense that life is nudging you toward a certain direction. It’s the quiet force people invoke to explain why certain opportunities, places, or paths suddenly open up.
For example when someone asks, “Why did you decide to return to Vietnam?” and the answer is simply “duyên,” it means the decision wasn’t purely logical - something in life aligned at the right moment. Maybe a chance encounter, a job offer, a feeling of belonging, or an unexpected pull made the choice feel natural, even inevitable.
Duyên and nợ in modern days
In today’s world of swipes, algorithms, and endless choice, duyên and nợ have taken on a new, modern tone. Many young Vietnamese use duyên and nợ to explain certain life events with a more “easy-going” attitude: When fate comes, you accept it. When it leaves, you let it go. That’s when the debt is repaid.
These ancient concepts offer comfort, meaning, and a way to make sense of why some connections feel instant, intense, or impossible to forget.